How Did I Even Make It Through Today?

This is a question I ask myself all too often. With how hard it was to even get out of bed, meeting the demands of my two children, and then keeping it together enough to keep the house clean and do my homework, I am in SHOCK by bedtime that I accomplished anything at all. I have honestly forgotten what it was like to wake up and be excited for my day to begin. Because, believe it or not, I USED to be that kind of person. I could wake up a little groggy, roll out of bed, go to the bathroom, and by the time I was looking at my face in the mirror, I was motivated enough to start my day and my mind was clear enough to know what order I would tackle the day as well. Now though, HA! Now I wake up and every single day I feel crappy. I feel like I just want to stay in that spot forever. And honestly, if I didn’t have kids, I probably would. So truly I am appreciative of them. They seriously help me take that first step everyday to feeling “normal”. I don’t mean “normal” in the I fit in with everyone way, but “normal” as in it doesn’t feel like all out war in my head to just get up. Anyway, I digress (which is going to happen frequently, it’s hard to keep all these thoughts in order so bear with me while I get my mental health and crazy thoughts all sorted out). At least my kids get me up and moving because once I do, I can at least start to TRY and practice the good coping skills my therapist is trying to instill in me. For instance, one that I think every therapist starts with, positive self-talk. I feel 100% ridiculous doing it still because it still feels funny to talk to myself when I am not raging at my day or myself but I do it, because oddly, it helps. I will feel myself starting down that dark abyss of “I am a horrible mother”, “I can’t do anything right”, “I’m a fraud”, “I should just quit and save everyone the time”, “I am a burden to everyone around me” and the list goes on, I start saying these things and normally I catch myself by the third negative statement and said out loud “No”. I tell myself “You may FEEL these are true statements, but they are lies. They are LIES that are going to keep you in this space of your life where you are unhappy. You need to leave this space, need to leave this version of yourself in the past, because you have so much to do and to be. You are STRONG, CAPABLE, PERSISTENT, and RESILIENT, and you will not always feel this wet cement holding you down. You will not always be blinded by the fog of your negativity, and you will be the person you were always meant to be.”

After having this chat with myself, I don’t feel better, but I feel like I can at least keep taking one step at a time and just work to get to where I want to be. Without learning to feel silly and do that positive self-talk, I honestly would have given up by now. I wouldn’t have made it through today. However, sometimes it is just one little thing that keeps us going until we can really work on ourselves, or until we reach our little milestones. Anyway, I hope that on days that you find it hard to get up and just get out of bed, you can do something small that works for you and get yourself moving towards your goals. The chaos we experience either in our lives or in our minds is there to help move us toward unlimited growth, don’t let it get so overwhelming it stops you in your tracks. Remember, professional help is the best way to go to help sort out that internal chaos, but if for whatever reason that isn’t an option for you right now, try positive self-talk and feel a little silly while you are trying to do better for yourself.